12/3 essay feedback

     We received the feedback for the essay for the brochure today. The results were more positive than I thought, but some points need to be improved. The first point is having too many short sentences. This happened because I separated a long sentence into two sentences. I had to do this to have more than 8 sentences in my paragraph. I think I should make my writing more detailed,  but I'm concerned that if I write in more detail, my academic words percentage will decrease.
     The second point is the conclusion part being shorter than the summary part. The conclusion part should be the most detailed because it has to convince the reader to care about this essay. I didn't notice this until Mr.Paterson pointed this out so our team will consider this.
     The third problem is rewriting the bio sentences of our website. We have to write things that make us sound like we are professionals specializing in the classroom environment. I don't have anything that makes me a professional of chairs & desks, but I can write that I've been doing research about chairs & desks. We also need to have roughly the same amount of sentences so I will discuss this with my team.

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